


Anathema

by Leeola



Category: Twenty One Pilots, Tyler Joseph - Fandom
Genre: Mental Health Issues, Other, mental health, twenty one pilots - Freeform, tyler joseph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-05-29 16:35:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 9,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15077273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leeola/pseuds/Leeola
Summary: Follow Tyler through the journey of the mental state he's in





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author note: I'm hoping that no one is going to steal from it.. if you're inspired, please give credit.. because writing is my flesh and blood ok?  
> and also..trigger warning for the people who are sensitive to stuff that has to do with a mental state and such
> 
> It's also a re-upload(chatpers 1 to 10) and it's the same as the one on my wattpad
> 
> There's no joshler going to be in this, and it's about Tyler's Teenager self
> 
> Read at your own risk

It's 1:21 and I can't sleep. No thoughts runing through my head. Just nothing, but I still can't go to sleep. Or at least it feels like there are no thoughts. I just don't get why I can't sleep. Writing my journal won't help. I tried it before and there it was ' I selfharmed.' Why would I write that? It only keeps me spinning in circles. I hate this. I hate the space my head is right now. I just want it to go away. Either way I self harm again or I'll cry myself to sleep.  
Right now I can't tell which one's going to win, because I don't want to cry myself to sleep but I also don't want to self harm. I'll just close my eyes for a second and listen to those songs that calm me down, maybe it helps.

It's 1:30 now and the music didn't help much, I still want to cut myelf again and I can't take it any longer. This desire ,my skin will scream.   
I stand up and go to the bathroom. I'll find myself a hair needle that my sister has laying around and think about it. I really don't know if I should do it or not. I'm playing with the hair needle between my fingers, thinking about the pain I could feel right now. How I could stop the thoughts, even if it's just for abrief moment..  
"I have to do it. I have to do it. I'm going to feel better if i'll do it. No I won't.", I argue with myself.  
My skin is screaming for me to do it.  
"Just one line won't hurt, right?", I lie to myself and cut right under my rips.  
It feels like nothing, I have to do it again. Until I feel something. Until I feel the bruning on my skin.  
I give up. I stop self harming myself, because I still feel nothing, even though the place right under my ripcage is red.  
I walk back into my room and try to lay myself to sleep, but there's a sensation. The burning is coming all at once. At least it's burning. I was concerned for a second. I'm actually glad that it burns that's how I know that I'm not completely numb.


	2. Chapter 2

"Tyler? Honey. You have to get up. It's monday and you have school."  
"Thanks, mom. ", I replied rubbing my head in embarrassment.  
"You're welcome. Now hurry up."  
"I will.", I said getting up.  
I went to the bathroom to change into my clothes.  
There it was. The scars.  
I found myself starring at it and remembered that I needed to hurry for school.

I drove to school and go into my class room.  
I sat myself on my chair and unpacked my backpack.  
"Good morning students. I hope you all did your homework?"  
Everyone nodded, except me.  
Oh no. I forogt it. Dang it.

The teacher went around to collect the homework. When he was standing at my desk he asked me where mine was.  
"I.. I .. I forgot it. I'm sorry."  
"This is your fourth time in a row Tyler."  
"I know. I'm really sorry."  
"Sorry's not enough. You'll have to go to the principals office."  
"No. Please.. I don't want to go there. Pleeeease."  
"I have no choice Tyler."  
"Okay.. Fine.. I'll go.", I said.

I walked towards the office and knocked.  
"Come on in.", I've heard him say.  
I entered and sat myself down.  
"Tyler, I've heard that you didn't make your homework for the fourth time. Is that correct?"  
"Yes, Sir."  
"And why is that?"  
"I just forgot it."  
"Tyler.You know you can't just hope that everything is going to solve itself, right?"  
"Yes, I know."  
"I mean. I know you're an important player to your basket ball team, but you can't neglect your home work."  
"I know. Can I get back now?"  
"Why are you in such hurry?"  
I just shrugged my shoulders.  
"You know your teacher sent you here and you can't get out before were not finished, right?"  
"Yes."  
"So.. How are you feeling today?"  
"What has this to do with me forgetting my homework? Seriously.."  
"Because I'm worried that somethings not okay. I mean.. You're actually a good student, but lately you're forgetting your homework."  
"I'm okay.", I said looking to the ground.  
"Tyler, I know you're not okay. Maybe others won't notice it, but I do."  
I looked up for one second, but right back to the ground once he saw me looking up.  
"I know that this was the truth. You looked up."  
I just shrugged my shoulders.  
He didn't say anything and I cant stand it. I hate it when everything is quiet. It leaves too much room for my thoughts.

"Tyler?"  
"Hm?", I said, not looking up to him.  
"Look at me."  
I shook my head.  
"I think you'll have to get some counselling."  
"What?"  
"You've heard me."  
"No. I don't have time for it. I have basket ball training."  
"You have time now."


	3. Chapter 3

"I think you didn't understand me. I don't have time for it."  
"Don't worry Tyler. You won't miss your basket ball training. And.. He's already here.", the principal said and let the psychologist in.  
I looked at them in disbelive.  
"What is this?"  
"Hi, Tyler I'm Mr. Robertson."  
I didn't shake his hand nor did I greet him.  
He tapped on my shoulder and said:"I'm pretty sure we can go to my office."  
"Don't touch me.", I said.  
"I'm sorry, Tyler. Come on. Let's go."  
I didn't move.  
"Are you going to make this hard on yourself or do you want it the easy way? You know I don't have any problem with neither one of those."  
I didn't answer.  
"So? Are you coming now or not?", he said standing at the door.  
I stood up and followed him into his office.

"It's much nicer here, right?"  
I didn't say anything.  
"So.. I see. You're making it difficult. Okay."  
Once again.. Nothing came out of my mouth.  
"You know.. You're the one who's going to miss training if you're going to keep it this way."  
"What?"  
"Oh, now you speak."  
I looked on the ground.  
"Tyler?"  
I didn't say anything.  
"Tyler, will you tell me what's wrong?"  
I shook my head.  
"Why not? Oh wait.. my bad.. Of course you're not going to talk to me, because I'm the bad guy. The one who wants to know all your secrets."  
"I don't find it funny.", I said uninflected.  
"I'm not saying that it's funny, Tyler. It's acutally not funny. You're not well and I can sense that."  
I just shrugged my shoulders.  
"So.. Why don't we start again and you're going to talk to me?"  
"I don't want to."  
"But you have to Tyler."  
"No I don't have to. You have no evidence that I'm not feeling well."  
"Is there any evidence of it?"  
My eyes went wide for a moment and then I remembered that he watched me and I tried to shake it off.  
"Please, Tyler. Just one question. Just answer me one."  
"No. You don't have the right to hold me here."  
"I actually have."  
"No. You. Don't."  
"Yes. I . Do. Tyler."  
"You know what? This is ridiculous. I'll have to go now.", I said and walked out of the office.

Seriously. What was this guy thinking? They have no freaking evidence. No freaking evidence.  
I rushed to the gym to get myself dressed into my sport team clothes.  
As soon as I finished I walked onto the field and everyone greeted me.  
"Hey Tyler."  
"Hi guys.", I've greeted everyone with a smile, but it faded as soon as I saw the coach looking at me and studying me.  
I acted as if nothing happened and concentrated myself on the plans for tonights training.  
After the training ended I rushed home.  
"Hi mom.", I called as soon as I entered.  
"Hi Tyler Dinners ready."  
"Good. I'm hungry."  
We talked about the next basketball game that I have.  
"I'm very excited about that.", my brother said.  
"Me too.", my dad said.  
I just nodded.

As we finished dinner, everyone went to their room.  
I wanted to walk into my room, but my mom said she had to talk to me.  
Oh no. I bet she knows.  
"Tyler. I have to be honest, I'm concerned."  
"About what, mom?", I asked acting as if I didn't know what she meant.  
"You're not being yourself lately."  
"Come on. I'm still the same. I don't know what you're talking about."  
"Tyler. I'm your mom. I noticed how you've changed the last three weeks. You even forgot your homework."  
"No I didn't."  
"Yes you did. Your teacher told me today. Don't forget that I'm also a teacher."  
I rolled my eyes.  
"Don't you dare to roll your eyes. I'm really concerned about you Tyler. I don't know why you won't talk to me about it.", she said looking at me.  
I looked on the ground:"It's okay mom. Really. Don't worry. I'm just stressed because of the basket ball game I have."  
"You know I'm always here for you, right?"  
"Yes. I know. Don't worry. Like I said.."  
"Just know that God's watching over you.", she said placing a soft kiss on my forehead.  
"I know mom.", I said, hugging her.


	4. Chapter 4

I went to my room and couldn't stop to think about what she said. I didn't change, I don't even know how she's coming to this conclusion. I'm still the same. Or at least I think so. I don't know. I really don't know.  
'But your journal says otherwise.', the voice in my head said.  
'Queit!', I argued with myself.  
'Just look at it. You're selfharming, you're thinking about...'  
'I said be quiet!!!'  
I walked towards the drawer I kept my journal in.  
I opened it and read through the stuff I wrote. I kind of felt a little bit weird reading it, because of how honest I was for the first time in my life.  
Reading through it just inspired me to write more stuff down and so I began to write.

After an hour I was finally finsihed and put my journal back into the drawer.  
I shighed as a relief, because it felt so good to write all this stuff down.  
There was a knock at my door and I knew who it was.  
"Come on in, mom."  
She opened the door:"Tyler, I have a question."  
"What is it?"  
"Are you feeling depressed lately?"  
"What?"  
"Are you feeling depressed lately?", she reapeted.  
"No."  
"I'm worried Tyler. I don't see you smile that often anymore."  
"How do you come up with this stuff, seriously.", I said, faking a smile.  
She looked at me wordelessly.  
"Seriously. I'm good."  
She sighed and hugged me.  
"What is that for?", I asked her confused.  
"For you."  
"What?"  
"The hug was for you. Can't a mother hug her own son?"  
"Yes you can, but why?", I started to worry.  
"Don't worry. I'm always going to be here for you. Good night."  
"Good night mom and please don't surprise me like that again. Okay?"  
"Good Night Tyler. Sleep tight.", she said walking out of my room.

Oh well that was weird. Whatever, I shouldn't over analyze things. But maybe she did it, because she really thought that I'm not okay. I'm okay.  
Really.. I'm okay.  
Like I said before, I'm okay.  
I went to the drawer and got my journal out.  
'Mom thinks that I'm depressed because I don't smile as often anymore. Seriously. I'm okay. Like I said to her, I'm okay.'  
I wrote down and closed the journal again.


	5. Chapter 5

The side of my back hurt, when I woke up the next morning.  
'Ouch: Why does it hurt like tha..', I started to wonder and then remembered what I did two days ago. 'Oh. It makes sense now. Whatever. I have to get up and go to school.'  
I went downstairs and into the kitchen to get my lunch. There was a note from my mom that said:"have a good day, sweetheart."  
I took it and drove to school.

"Good morning students. As you all may know you have a test today."  
"What?", I exclaimed.  
"Yes, Tyler even you."  
"You didn't say anything."  
"Yes I did. I mentioned it yesterday when I dismissed the class."  
"I was at the principals office. Did you forget?"  
"Oh. I'm sorry, Tyler. I forgot."  
"So what are we going to do now?"  
"You'll have to take the test anyway."  
"No. This isn't fair."  
"Tyler, please. Don't make a scene."  
"Excuse you?"  
"I'm serious."  
"Whatever. I don't care. I'm not going to take the test. You can't do that to me."  
"You know what? I'll think you're going to the principals office."  
"What?!"  
"You've heard me."  
"Fine! Whatever.", I said and walked out of the class room.

"Tyler, what a surprise.", the principal said when I entered.  
"Not funny."  
"I'm sorry."  
"So? What am I doing here?"  
"Your teacher told me that you didn't want to take the test."  
"Yes, but did he mention that he didn't tell me we had one? That he told that the class when he dissmised it?"  
"Hm.. Well that's a whole other story. But. You are kind of obligated to ask one of your class mates."  
"Are you serious? This is ridicilous."  
"Actually. I am serious."  
"Well you know what I am serious about? Not getting bad grades."  
"I'll see if you can take the test tomorrow."  
"Can I go now? Or else I am eventually gogin to miss another test I should know about."  
"Yes. You're free to go."  
"Thanks."

When I was back in class my teacher asked me what went down.  
Everyone kept looking at me. I hate this. I don't like it when everyone is looking at me.  
"He said that I can take the test tomorrow morning so I would have time to learn."  
"Okay."  
They were still looking at me, like they were waiting for an answer.  
"I have to send you outside while they're taking the test."  
"Fine by me.", I said taking my stuff outside.

While I was waiting outside our basketball coach walked by.  
"Hi Tyler."  
"Hi Mr. Smith."  
"How are you doing?"  
"I'm fine."  
He looked at me in disbelieve.  
"Is there something else?"  
"Actually yes."  
"Okay, what is it?"  
"Are you unhappy lately?"  
I rolled my eyes.  
"What?"  
"Why does everyone keep asking me that question? Like seriously. I'M FINE!"  
He was shooked.  
"I'm.. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry... but.. everyone is asking me this question and.. I'm tired of it."  
"It's okay, Tyler. I would get tired of it too, when there's some truth to it."  
I sighed.  
"You know, we have a counselor, Mr..."  
"Mr.Robertson.. I know.", I interrupted him.  
"How'd you know?"  
"Because I've already had to talk to him."  
"So you're in good hands. At least I don't have to worry anymore."  
"Is that all?", I asked unnerved.  
"Yes, that's all. Have a nice day, Tyler."  
"You too, Mr. Smith."  
Later that day we had basketball training.  
I've waited until everyone had changed into the sports team clothes and went to the field, so I could do the same.  
I didn't want anyone to see my scars, because they're going to be asking me questions.  
Luckily I'm a little bit overweight so it wouldn't be too obvious if you didn't pay that much of attention to it.  
After I had finished I walked onto the field.  
"Even though you're late, good to see you Tyler."  
"I'm sorry Coach. I thought I'd lost my car keys for a second.", I lied.  
"Okay. Let's being with todays training."

After we finished we went back to the changing room.  
"Hey, Tyler I have a question for you.", Nick said.  
"Erm.. Yes?"  
"Are you okay?"  
I sighed:"Seriously. What is it with you guys always asking me that question? I'm okay. Okay?"  
"Chill, dude. I've only asked if you're okay."  
"I'm sorry. I'm fine. Really. I have to go now.", I said, taking my stuff ready to head outside.  
"Do you not want to change into your clothes?", he asked me.  
"Erm. No. It's fine. I'll have to take a shower back home anyway. See you tomorrow, Nick."  
"Oh. Okay. Bye, Tyler."

The truth is. I just don't want him to see my scars. Or any other person in that room.  
Yes, I know. Nick is a good friend of mine and is just concerned, but like I said. I'm fine.  
As soon as I entered my car, I drove away.  
I tried to turn on my car radio, but it didn't work.  
I tried it a second time and it still didn't work.  
Great. Just freaaaking great!  
Everything's fine. I'm fine'  
'Everything's okay.. I'm almost home. Everything's going to be okay.'

As soon as i stopped the car I stormed inside and went into my room.  
'Everyting's okay, Tyler. You're home. You're safe now.', I told myself and began to cry.  
I just couldn't hold it back anymore.  
The tears came streaming down my face, while I was telling myself that everything's okay.


	6. Chapter 6

I didn't plan it to happen, but it happened.  
While I was writing my journal I've got aggressive. I wanted to destroy my journal, because of how aggressiv I've got. I knew why. Because Of the line I wrote down. The lie I tell myself and everyone around me:"I'm fine."  
No, I'm not fine. I'm very far from fine.

I walked into the bath room and looked for the hair needle. I needed to feel something different than my aggressions. I needed to let it out.  
I carved so much lines along the side of my body. until it finally began to bleed.  
That's all I wanted. But it didn't bleed much, so I carved more lines along the side of my body. Until I was pleased with the physical pain I felt.  
I didn't think about putting a patch over it and went back to my room.

There was a knock on my door.  
"Tyler. Can I come in?", I've heard my mom ask.  
"Why? What is it?"  
"Are you okay?"  
"Yes, why?"  
"Please, Tyler. Open the door."  
I didn't want to open it.  
"Sweetheart. Please open the door."  
I went to open the door, but stood three feet away from her.  
"Is everything okay, Tyler?"  
"Yes. Why do you ask?"  
"Because.. I didn't hear you coming home."  
"I just went into my room. I needed some rest."  
"Tyler, I've heard you crying. I'm not going to lie about that. I've heard you crying."  
I was shocked.  
"So, will you tell me what's going on?"  
"Nothing serious. Training was just a mess."  
"Tyler. Stop. Lyring. To. Me."  
I sighed:"Mom. Stop asking me these questions, please?"  
She didn't say aynthing she just starred at me.  
"I'm just a whole freaking lot stressed. Okay?", I assured her.  
She nodded:"Okay, Tyler. Have a good night."

After she walked out of my room, I locked the door again. I needed to be alone for a while.  
I took my journal once again and started to write.  
Only, this time I was being honest with myself.  
It hurt admitting all this stuff, but it was necessary.

When I finished writing my journal I thought about how... sad? my mom looked while I told her to stop asking me those questions.  
Did she notice anything?  
I looked down on me and didn't see anything.  
Luckily, there wasn't any blood on my shirt or anything, because the cuts weren't deep.

I went downstairs to see if dinner was ready.  
"Hey Mom is dinner ready?"  
"No, Tyler. You'll have to wait five minutes. Why won't you go and play with your brother?"  
"Okay.", I said a little bit unhappy about having to wait five minutes.

I went outside to shoot some hoops with my brother.  
My sister was the referee while we were playing.  
"Hey, stop it.", I told him while he was trying to steal the ball from me.  
He finally did it and went towards the hoop. I blocked it and he said it was unfair.  
"What's unfair little brother?"  
"You're not giving me a chance."  
"But I do. See.", I said giving him the ball.  
He tried again and I blocked it again.  
I laughed while turning to him and he looked shocked at me.  
"What is it?"  
He didn't say aynthing, just kept staring at me.  
"What is it? Hello??"  
"N.. Nothing. It's nothing."  
"Tell me."  
"C.. Can you please go inside? I'll have to talk to Tyler.", he asked my sister.  
"Okay. But, you'll better hurry up."

After she went inside I asked him again.  
"Erm.. I.. I don't know how to put it,but.. I saw something.."  
"What did you see?"  
"I.. I saw.. Scars on the side of your body."  
I laughed:"That's not possible."  
"But I did, Tyler. What is that?"  
"Nothing.", I tried to play it down.  
"Tyler, please tell me you're not cutting yourself?"  
"No. That's ridiculous."  
"What is it then? If it's not scars of selfharm?"  
"I had to get something out of a bush at our school and scratched the side of my body."  
He looked at me in disbelive.  
I sighed:"Is everything okay, little brother?"  
"No. Actually it isn't. I never thought you would lie to me about that."  
I scratched the back of my head in embarresment.  
"L.. Let's keep this between us, okay? Mom doesn't need to know about this."  
"Only if you promise me not to do it again."  
"Okay.I won't do it again."  
That was a lie, but I can't let him know that. He needs to be secure.  
"Okay. I won't tell mom. Let's go inside now."  
"Yes. Let's go."


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning I went to school everything was fine. Or at least I thought it'd be fine.  
I forgot that I had to take the test and fell miserably.  
The next thing I knew, was me being in the bathroom of our school trying to calm down.  
I poured water over my face, but it didn't help much.  
Then I remembered that I put a rubberband on my left wrist and snatched it. I even pulled at it, trying to somehow "carve" my skin.

After that I went back to the class room and acted as if everything was alright.  
The teacher gave us our test back and there it was -C. Frick. An -C? How can that..oh well I didn't learn. It's all my fault.  
There was a red note from my teacher that said:"Are you sure you studied for it?"  
I just shove it to the map with the other test and acted as if I didn't see it.

After school finished I had basketball training.  
Everything went fine. I could change into the sports team clothes alone and went onto the field.  
As we finished the training I almost ran back to the changing room, so the others wouldn't see my scars.  
"Hey, Tyler.", I heard Nick's voice.  
"Yeah?", I asked facing him.  
"Erm.. What is this?", he asked pointing to the rubberband.  
I was shocked that he would notice.  
"Erm.. Nothing. Just a rubberband. You know. I . I like to wear it sometimes."  
"But I never saw you wearing one."  
"You never paid much attention to it."  
"Tyler.", he said, while arching his eyebrow.  
"Okay. It's the first time I'm wearing it. Happy?!", I answered angrily and saw everyone staring at me.  
"What?", I asked them.  
No one gave an answer.  
"What do you want from me?"  
Again, no answers, just stares.  
"Leave me alone!", I exclaimed while walking outside.

"Hey, Tyler!", I heard Nick once again.  
"What!"  
"Just know that I'm here for you. Okay? If you want to tell me what the rubberband is for, I'm here."  
"Whatever dude. I have to go home. See you tomorrow."  
"Bye Tyler. Take care."  
As soon as I entered my car I thought:"Yeah of course he cares. Hah! Don't be silly. I know he's lying. No one cares about me."  
I snatched the rubberband.  
It hurt, but that's what I've wanted. I wanted it to hurt.  
I punished myelf for paying too much attention to it, whether or not somebody could see the rubberband.  
And then it overcame me. I had the urge to cry.  
Once again that stupid car radio wasn't working and I'm crying.

I parked my car outside of our house and covered my face with my hands.  
I didn't want to let anybody see me cry, because I didn't want to face questions like if I was okay or something like that.  
When I had my crying fit, I went inside and into my room.  
I didn't want to greet anyone, I just wanted to be left alone.


	8. Chapter 8

Last night was horrible. I couldn't get any sleep, maybe two hours and nothing more.  
But I still had to get up and head to school.  
I didn't pay much attention in class, I almost fell asleep.  
"Tyler... Tyler!", the teacher exclaimed.  
"Hm?", I said half asleep.  
"This is not the right time to fall asleep."  
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm just tired."  
"You have to go earlier to sleep then."  
"Like I said, I'm sorry.", I repeated myself.  
I saw Nick looking at me.  
"What?", I mouthed.  
He just shook his head.  
I wondered why he was looking at me the way he did.

After lunch when I was walking back to the class, Nick walked behind me:"Hey! Tyler! Wait!"  
I looked behind me:"Why?", and kept on walking.  
He speed up:"I said that you should wait."  
I sighed:"What is it?"  
"Nothing. I just want to walk back to class with you. I mean.. we're still friends."  
"Okay.", was all I could say, because I felt there was something more to it. I don't trust it.

When we were back to the classroom I sat myself on my seat and saw Nick smiling at me.  
I just shrugged it off.  
I know he just tried to cheer me up, but I couldn't stand it.  
This pitty he gives me, I don't want it. I don't need any help.  
I'm okay.

After we had basket ball training I've waited until everyone went outside the changing room, to take a shower. I couldn't go home like this, all sweaty and stuff.  
I let the warm water run over my head and let it calm me down.  
I looked down on my body and saw my scars.  
Tears came running down my face.  
I hate this. I hate my body.  
"I HATE MY BODY.", I exclaimed and fell on the ground, crying.  
"Tyler?"  
My eyes widened. Oh no. I know that voice too well.

"Hey Tyler, it's me Nick.", he said before walking in.  
I just stared at him.  
"I.. I was worried and wanted to check on you."  
"Go away.", I said calm.  
"What? No. I'm not leaving you lik.."  
"I. said. go. away."  
He just shook his head.  
"GO AWAY!!", I screamed at him.  
"No, Tyler. I'm not leaving."  
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
"It's okay Tyler. I'm here."  
"NO! GO. AWAY!"  
He streached his hand out for me:"Come on. Let's get you dressed."  
I shook my head:"No."  
"Tyler. Let's get dressed."  
"What do you not get? Hm? I told you to LEAVE ME ALONE!", I said screaming at him.

Nick looked shocked at me:"I... ", he couldn't keep his eyes on my upper body, he tried to look me in the eyes,but even failed at that.  
I was just standing there, feeling embarassed.  
"Tyler, why didn't you tell ."  
"Leave me alone."  
"But.. Ty..", he said while looking at my scars and then back up at me again:"This isn't okay."  
"I don't care. Do you understand? I don't care."  
"But.. Tyler.. How.. Why?", was all he could manage to get out.  
I got myself dressed and tried to ignore his question  
"Tyler.. I asked you something."  
"And I told you to leave me alone.", I replied while putting the rubber band on.  
He held my arm:"Oh no, Tyler. Even on your arm."  
"Leave me alone. Okay. It's my body. Just leave me alone. I want to be left alone, okay?", I said breaking out in tears.  
He wanted to hug me, but I stepped back:"Don't. Leave me alone and go home, okay."  
"Okay If that's what you want. I'm going home.", he said with tears in his eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

When I arrived home, I hoped that I would have been left alone.  
I didn't think about it well enough, because as soon as I arrived my mom greeted me.  
"Hi mom. I'm sorry, I don't have time."  
"Tyler, get yourself a seat."  
"No mom. I really don't have time for this right now. I have to do my homework."  
She sighed: «Okay fine."

I was relieved that she didn't double check anything, because I lied.   
I walked into my room and locked the door as soon as I entered.  
I had to think about what happened after basket ball training with Nick and I felt a little bit guilty for sending him off.  
I mean, he cried and it's my fault.  
I made my best friend cry. Me. I did it and no one else.  
A tear fell of my cheeks.  
Dang it. I didn't mean to cry again, because that's all I do the last few days.

After a while when I finally calmed down a little I heard my mother call after me.  
I went downstairs to see what she wanted.  
"Yes?", I said approaching her.  
She sat at the table: «Come sit down Tyler."  
"Okay.", I replied sitting myself next to her.  
Silence.  
"So? What is it, Mom?", I said breaking that awkward silence.  
"Tyler, you're going to take a day off school tomorrow. I talked to your teacher and he told me that it's okay."  
"What?" I didn't know if I should be happy about it or not.  
"I asked him, because I knew you need to have a day off school."  
"That's great. Thanks mom.", I said standing up, trying to walk away.  
"That's not all, Tyler."  
"What is it? Do I have to do some things at home?"  
"No."  
"What is it then, Mom?"  
She sighed.  
"Just tell me, I want to go back to my room.", I said while still holding the chair.  
"You'll have to visit your therapist."  
"What?", I was in shock.  
"I think it's the best for you Tyler."  
I couldn't think straight.  
"It's really for the best."  
I sat myself back down on the table, covering my mouth in disbelieve.

My brother walked in and asked what the matter was, seeing my face.  
"N.. Nothing. It's nothing.", I lied.  
"Okay.", he replied walking into his room.  
"Are you okay, Tyler?", my mom asked.  
"Obviously I'm not."  
"It's okay Tyler, like I said, you're going to take the day off."  
I sighed.  
"I know it's not easy, but you're going to make it.", she ensured me.  
"Whatever you may believe. I'm going to sleep. I'm.. I'm tired.", I lied again.  
"Good Night sweetie and don't stay up way too long because you're appointment is at ten."  
"Good Night, mom."

When I arrived in my room I took my journal out an wrote everything that happened today down.  
But my aggressions took the best of me, I scratched my arms with my fingernail. I needed to let it out.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning when I woke up I put a long sleeve on, because I didn't want anyone to see my self-inflicted wounds, even though they weren't obvious.

I went downstairs to greet my mom, but she wasn't there.  
Weird.  
I looked around and saw a note on the table:» Good morning sweetheart. I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you woke up, but I had to go to school. Love you, mom."  
So that's why she's not here. Oh well. Could be worse.  
I looked at the clock: 9am. Oh no. I have to hurry.  
Thankfully mom left a note with the address of the therapist.  
I got into my car and drove to the address.

I parked my car, got out and took a look around.  
Looks like a nice neighborhood. Oh well, he's a therapist what did I expect.  
Nervously I walked towards the door and knocked.  
He opened it, greeting me with a smile: «Oh hi there. You must be Tyler Robert Joseph."  
I cringed at the fully name thing he just did: «Please, just Tyler Joseph."  
"Okay. Come on in."

We walked into his office.  
"Take a seat.", he said pointing to a seat.  
"Thanks.", I replied short and sat myself down.  
"Your mother contacted me yesterday telling me she's worried about you. About your mental health."  
I just nodded.  
"She thinks that you self harm and that you're suicidal."  
I was shocked.  
"Is there any truth to it, Tyler?"  
I just sighed.  
"You know, it's okay to tell me the truth. I won't tell her."  
I looked to my right.  
"Okay, my bad. Maybe I should have started with a lighter subject."  
I shifted in my seat.  
"So, will you tell me anything, Tyler?"  
I sighed again.  
"I ask you one more time. Is it true that you self harm?"  
"Yes.", I said sighing.  
"Okay.", he said while writing notes.  
I looked on the ground.  
"What's the matter, Tyler?", he asked noticing me looking on the ground.  
"It's nothing, really."  
"I believe you.", he said with a sarcastic undertone.  
"You know. I ask myself why I made my friend cry. I mean. He was just as concerned as my mom does.. Maybe a little bit more, because he saw the scars on my body, but..", I sighed.  
"But what, Tyler?"  
"I.. I didn't expect him to cry to be honest.", I said looking at my therapist, then to my right and then on the ground sighing.  
"So it bothers you?"  
"I don't know. Yes. A little bit. Because.. I don't know. I . I don't know Doc."

"How do you feel about your mom knowing that you self harm?"  
"I think my brother told her, because she never saw me without a shirt on."  
"That's a possibility."  
I nodded.  
"And how do you feel about her thinking that you're suicidal?"  
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders: «I don't know how to feel about that."  
I watched him taking notes.  
"This isn't easy for you I know."  
I nodded.  
"But are you suicidal?"  
I was taken off guard. I didn't expect him to ask me that.  
"I . i don't know."  
"What do you mean you don't know."  
"I really don't know, Doc." , I said fidgeting with the end of my sleeves.  
"Will you show me the new scars on your arms?"  
"What?"  
"You're fidgeting with the end of your sleeves and I'm a therapist Tyler."  
I looked on the ground.  
"I'll take that as a no. That's okay Tyler. I think we can finish our session for today. See you next week same time."  
"What?"  
"Next week same time."  
"But I have school."  
"That's okay. I spoke with your teacher."  
"Okay. bye doc."  
"Have a good day, Tyler."


	11. Chapter 11

I didn't write my journal today. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get anything across that I wanted. It just made me very angry.  
To be honest, I didn't like the session with my therapist. I don't like him. He asks me weird questions. How could he dare to ask me if I was suicidal? Seriously.  
I looked at the clock, it was 6pm, but I couldn't bother to get down and eat dinner.  
I was hungry, but I didn't want to face those question my mom always has.  
"Tyler, Honey. Dinner is ready.", I heard her say from the other side of my room door.  
I didn't respond.  
"Come down whenever you're ready."  
I sighed. She makes it so hard, why can't she just let me be.   
She's just too much of a sweetheart, always in worry about her son. The son who know needs therapy. Well I'm kind of a loser of a first born, right?  
I still wore the sweater I wore to todays therapy session and I didn't want to take it off, because my mom could see the scars.  
I decided to go eat dinner.

"Hey sweetheart.", my mom greeted me.  
"Hi mom."  
"Are you hungry?"  
I just nodded.  
"It's still warm if you want some."  
"Thanks.", I said and put the meal on my plate.  
I just ate in silence.  
It was kind of weird that she didn't ask me all those question she normally would.  
She felt me staring at her:"Is there anything, Tyler?"  
"Hm? Oh. No. Nothing.", I said, shaking my head no.  
"Okay. Please clean your plate before you go to your room."  
"Okay."  
It still felt very weird and I couldn't wrap my head around it.

After I finished dinner, I cleaned my plate.  
"Mom?"  
"Yes, Tyler?"  
"What's going on?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I don't know. I feel like you want to ask me something."  
"Oh well, I don't."  
"Are you sure? Because you always ask me something."  
"No, Tyler. You're in therapy and I'm sure you're going to tell him, if something's wrong."  
"I don't know, maybe.", I said shrugging my shoulders.  
"Look, if there's something you want to talk about you can always come to me. Okay, Tyler?"  
I nodded:"I'll go to my room right now."  
"Good night, sweetheart. Sleep well."


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning, I didn't hear my alarm go off and that's where I am right now.  
At home, laying in bed, regretting staying up until 4 am because I couldn't sleep.  
I had to hurry or else I was going to be late and I don't want that to happen to me.  
I'm a good student.  
I stood up washing my teeth, brushing my hair and getting ready to leave for school.  
I didn't put a sweater over my head, because it was too warm.

When I arrived the classroom, my teacher wasn't there.  
Thank God, he's not here or else I would've been given a lectrue about not being late or what else.  
I sighed in relief and sat myself down.  
Nick turned his head to make sure I was there.  
Our teacher entered the class room an everyone went silent.  
I rested my head on my hand, because I was being really tired.  
"Tyler?"  
"Hm?", I asked half asleep, not realizing who called my name.  
"Tyler! Pay attention.", our Teacher said.  
"Oh. I'm sorry. I'm tired. I couldn't.."  
"I don't care Tyler. You're not going to sleep during class."  
"You're right. I'm sorry."

We had to turn our homeworks in.  
Everyone had to walk towards the desk of our teacher and give him their homework.  
When I gave him my homework, I saw him looking at me:"Is there anything wrong?"  
"Hm?"  
"If there's anything wrong? I saw you staring at me."  
"Oh, Erm. No. It's nothing.", he replied while looking away, in embarrassment.  
"Oh, I know exactly what you're thinking."  
"Tyler, just stop."  
"You think what a loser that I am, because of what you just saw."  
"Tyler, please take your seat right now!", he said getting louder.  
I walked wordlessly towards my desk and sat myself down.  
Nick looked at me with a confused look in his eyes.  
I just shook my head, making him understand that he doesn't have to worry.  
"Are you sure?", I saw him mouthing.  
I nodded.

Class got dismissed, but my teacher asked me to stay for a little while.  
"Okay.", I replied short, wondering about what he has to say.  
After everyone left the room he closed the door.  
"So, is there anyhting?"  
"Yes Tyler. I'm worried about you."  
"You know I'm in therapy, right? So no need to worry for you there, Sir."  
"But I do worry."  
"Oh, you feel obligated to do so, because you were the one who said I needed to talk to a counselor. Like I said, don't worry."  
"You don't understand Tyler."  
"I understand all to well. I saw you staring at me, judging me with your sorry look."  
"No you do not understand, Tyler."  
"Whatever, can I go now? I want to eat my lunch. I'm hungry."  
He shook his head:"If you're going to keep going like this I'm going to have to report it to your mother."  
"What did I do wrong? I did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. Absolutely nothing."  
"I think your mom needs to know about what you are do.."  
"Don't you think she already know? Like PLEASE! Give me some space."  
"I just wanted to inform you, before I'm going to tell her."  
"Than why did you ask me, if you're going to tell her anyway? I'm going to eat my lunch right now. I'll see myself out.", I replied walking out of the classroom withouth looking back at him.

When I arrived in the Cafeteria i sat myself down a table and started to eat my lunch.  
It was good to have some space for once, I thought to myself, but.. too late. I think they somehow tasted it.  
The boys from my sports team sat around my table and started to talk.  
I stood up, taking my lunch with me, wanting to leave, but Nick held my arm:"Please stay Tyler."  
"Nah, I'm good Nick."  
"Please.. Tyler. Stay."  
"I just want to be alone, Nick. I'm sorry."  
Nick sighed.  
"What is it now?"  
"Please stay."  
"No. I'm leaving Nick.", I said walking away.  
"DON'T YOU THINK I DIDN'T SEE?", Nick screamed across the room.


	13. Chapter 13

"See what?", I asked him.  
"You know exactly what I mean."  
"No, tell me. What is there to see?"  
"Please, Tyler. Don't test me."  
"Oh I am the one who shouldn't test you? Really? Because I recall you calling after me."  
Nick sighed.  
"You can sigh all you want. Just leave me alone okay?", I said walking outside.

While I was walking outside I snatched the rubberband. And again and again until it formed some lines across my wrist.  
I didn't care. All I wanted was to feel something else than those thoughts forming in my head.  
I snatched the rubberband against my wrist.  
I was being furious while snatching the rubber band against my wrist.

"Tyler I wanted to apolo..", I heard Nicks voice, but he stopped.  
I was in shock. How much did he see? Did he see everything?  
I didn't turn around to look at him.  
"I.. I'm sorry Tyler.. I.. I have to go.", he said while running away.  
That's okay. I don't mind him running away from the monster that I am.  
I'm sick in my brain, no wonder he's afraid of me.  
I felt like I couldn't breath. The panic sat in.

Our teacher walked towards me with Nick.  
Great, just great.  
"Tyler. Nick told me what he saw, is it true?", he asked me while looking at me.  
I couldn't handle it and started to panic.  
"Tyler? What's wrong?", Nick asked me.  
"I..", I couldn't get a word out of my mouth.  
"Tyler, tell me what's wrong?"  
"It's true..What you saw is the truth. I'm sick and.. I don't mind you running away from me. It's okay Nick. I understand. No one wants to deal with such a sick head like I am.", I said in tears.  
"What? No. No Tyler. I didn't run away. I just had to get help, you know. This isn't eazy for me."  
"It's okay Nick. I understand. I'm sick in the head. I'm a mosnter so I understand that you ran away from me."  
"No. You're not a monster. Stop saying stuff like that.", Nick said with a sad look in his eyes.  
"Please Nick don't make this harder than it already is. I know you want to help me, but I'm already in therapy, you know."  
"It's useless if you don't go to therapy, Tyler.", Nick replied and our teacher nodded approvingly.  
"Just leave me alone.", I said while walking away.  
"Tyler! Where are you going?", Nick called after me.  
"I'm going home."  
"No. You can't do that."  
"Yes I can."  
"No. Get back here!", he said running towards me tackling me.  
"LET ME GO!", I screamed at him.  
"No. You have to stay in school."  
"He's right, Tyler.", the teacher said.  
"Just let me go."  
"You have to stay. You can go home if you're going to your therapist."  
"Fine. I will. Now let me go."  
Nick let me go.  
"Thank you.", I said getting in my car, driving home.

Thank God my mom isn't home today. She was teaching today.  
I was glad that I was alone at home.  
As soon as I entered the house I went up to my room, locking the door.

After a while I heard the frontdoor shut.  
Oh- no. Who is this? Maybe dad?  
I listened carefully do the sound from downstairs.  
"Tyler. Come down."  
Oh- oh. It was mom.  
"Tyler.. I was sent home because they told me they're worried about you. What happened?"  
"Nothing. I just got into a fight with Nick."  
"Tyler, don't lie to me."  
I sighed:"Fine. I have to go to see my shrink."  
"I know, Tyler. I also know that you snatched your rubberband?"  
"My what?" I tried to act as if I didn't know what she was talking about.  
"I'm not stupid Tyler. Don't you ever dare to try that again. I'll call your therapist so you can go and see him."


	14. Chapter 14

"No mom, please don't do this."  
"Okay, you're going to have to call him. I'm watching."  
"Fine.", I said while grabbing the phone.  
I called my therapist and he asked me surprised what happened.  
"I.. I was sent home and have to visit you."  
"Okay. You can come as soon as you want. I don't have anyone right now."  
"Okay. I'm coming over.", I said hanging up and getting into the car.  
I didn't even say anything to my mom. I just drove away.

I rang the door bell.  
"Hi Tyler, come in.", he said greeting me, streaching his hand out.  
"Hi.", I said walking in, without shaking his hand. I didn't feel like it.  
As soon as we sat down he asked me what happened.  
"I was sent home."  
"I already know that Tyler, but why were you sent home."  
"Oh, you know. Just because of reasons.", I said shrugging my shoulders.  
"Tyler, you have to open up."  
I looked at him arching my eyebrow:"Do I really have to?"  
"Yes you have to."  
I sighed.

"So, what is the reason you were sent home."  
"I.. Nick. He. And.. I..", I stuttered.  
"it's okay Tyler, just take a deep breath.  
I inhaled deep and exhaled.  
"What happened with Nick?"  
"He said.."  
"Yes? What did he say Tyler?"  
I sighed:"We were at lunch and.. I sat alone."  
"Okay, but you weren't alone moments after, right?"  
I nodded:"Yes. He came towards me with the other students, but I couldn't bare company so I walked off."  
"Okay.", the therapist said, while taking notes.  
"And.. I.When I walked away.. Nick said.. He asked if .."  
"Continue Tyler."  
"He asked me if I didn't think that he didn't see."  
"See what?", he asked a little bit confused.  
I sighed:"That's what I asked him too, but he just said i shouldn't act like I didn't know what he meant."  
"What happened then?"  
"I walked off to .. be alone.. and.. I was furious.. so I .."  
"What did you do?"  
"I.. I snatched the rubber band. And.. Nick.. He saw it."  
"That's the reason why you're here?", he asked confused.  
I took a deep breath:"No. The reason why I'm here is because I told my teacher that i would go home and he told me I can only go home if i go and see my therapist."  
"Oh, now I understand. And did happen anything else?"  
"Yes. my mom was sent home... Can.. Can we talk about something different, please?"  
"No, Tyler. I need to know what happened."

"She was sent home, because Nick told my teacher and I guess that's why she was sent home. Because my teacher thought I would do something stupid."  
"And did you want to do something stupid?", he asked while looking in my eyes.  
I looked him in the eyes, but coudln't bare to keep contact:"No."  
"Tyler, there's no use in lying to me. If you're lying to me it's like you're lying to yourself.  
I sighed.  
"So, Tyler. Did you want to do something stupid when you thought you would be alone?"  
"No.", I said, shaking my head.  
"Tyler..", he said in a demanding tone.  
"Yes I did."  
"And what was that?"  
"Nothing."  
"Tyler, stop playing games."  
"I.. I wanted to cut myself with the hair clip ann I'm.."  
"You're what?"  
"I'm actually.."  
He didn't say aynthing. He just waited for me to continue.  
Why does it have to be so hard. I don't like this. I don't want him to tell all those things.  
He kept looking at me, waiting for my response.  
"I'm actually mad."  
"Mad about what?"  
"I'm mad, that I couldn't harm myself with the hair clip."


	15. Chapter 15

"Is there anything else?"  
"No.", I replied short.  
He sighed, taking notes.  
"I'm.. I'm just .."  
He looked at me with a questioning look on his face.  
"I'm just sad sometimes.", I said, shrugging my shoulders and looking to the floor.  
"It's okay to be sad sometimes."  
I nodded while still looking at the floor.  
"What do you do when you're sad?"  
"I don't know.", I said while shrugging my shoulders.  
"So you're doing nothing?"  
"I guess.", I said while playing with my rubberband.  
"Can I ask you a question that maybe will make you feel uncomfortable to talk about?"  
"I can try."  
"What is the darkest thought you had about yourself?"  
I didn't answer.  
"You don't know what to answer or you don't want to?"  
I just shrugged.

Silence.  
There was a pause for at least three minutes, but it felt like ten minutes.  
"So does that mean you don't want to talk about it?"  
I just shrugged again, looked at him for a split second and then away.  
"We're getting nowhere like this. Just answer my questions and if you don't want to or feel to uncomfortable just tell me."  
"How?"  
"How what?"  
"How should I tell you that I don't want to talk about stuff or that I feel uncomfortable in doing so?"  
"So does that mean you feel uncomfortable to even just tell me that you're feeling uncomfortable?"  
I just nodded.  
He was taking notes, while thinking about a solution. I could read it off his expression.  
I took a deep breath.  
"Well, that was a deep sigh."  
"Yeah. Can I go home now?"  
"No Tyler. Our session isn't over yet."  
"Am I not the one who could say when it's over."  
"No. We have a full hour Tyler."  
"Oh well, I don't want to talk about stuff aynmore. I want to go home now."  
"And do what? What are you going to do when you get home?"  
"Probalby going to my room and..", I stopped.  
"And what, Tyler?"  
"Nothing."  
"And do what, Tyler.", he asked demanding.

 

I remained silent.  
"And do what Tyler?"  
"Nothing."  
"And. Do. What. Tyler?"  
"Nothing. Like I said. Absolutely nothing."  
"Tyler? What are you going to do, besides going to your room?"  
I didn't answer this time. He doesn't have to know. He's not allowed to know.  
"Tyler. I ask you one last time. What else?"  
"Nothing! LEAVE ME ALONE.", I shouted while taking my knees up to my chest.  
"Tyler, what else are you going to do?"  
"Nothing."  
"What else are you going to do when you're alone in your room?"  
"Nothing.", I replied while covering my ears, in hopes he would stop asking me.  
"Tyler, answer me."  
"NO!", I said while shouting at him.  
"So you think shouting at me would make me stop?"  
I didn't asnwer.  
"Tell me."  
"No."  
"Tyler, tell me. It's getting boring."  
"No. You're not allowed to know."  
"To know what?"  
"No. No. No. No.. Stop."  
"Stop what?"  
"Stop. Asking me."  
"Why?"  
"Because you're not allowed to know."  
"What am I not allowed to know, Tyler?"  
"Stop asking me questions, please."  
"Or else what?"  
I remained silent.  
He doesn't need to know. I won't let him in.

"Tyler, please.. Just tell me. I need to know."  
I shook my head.  
He sighed:"Is it that bad?"  
"No.", I lied.  
"So what is it then?"  
"When I get home I'm going to my room and.. selfharm."  
"You just told me it isn't something bad and now you're telling me you're going to harm yourself? Excuse my confusion."  
"Yeah, Doc. It's not as bad as when I'll tell you about it, right?", I asked, knowing the answer.  
"It's still pretty bad, Tyler."  
"I know. Can I get home now?"  
"Promise me you'll be safe."  
"I will, Doc. Don't worry."


	16. Chapter 16

My mom greeted me as soon as I entered the kitchen.  
"How was the session?"  
"Okay, I guess."  
"Tyler.", she said demanding.  
"What?"  
She sighed, while looking at me with a telling look that she knows exactly that I'm lying to her.  
"What?"  
"Don't play with me, Tyler. Tell me the truth."  
"It was okay. Like I said. Nothing special happened."  
"Tyler, I was sent home because of what happened at school today."  
"I know mom. I'm sorry for that."  
"So you didn't talk about the accident with your therapist?"  
I looked at the floor.  
"Tyler?"  
"What?", I asked still looking at the floor.  
"Please look at me, Tyler."  
I couldn't.  
"Tyler, can you please look at me and tell me if you talked about it or not."  
"Yes we talked about it."  
"And something else?"  
"No.", I said still not looking up.

She walked towards me, getting closer.  
"I just snatched a rubberband. Sue me."  
"Tyler, that's not okay. You were sent home because of that.", she said while trying to stroke my cheek.  
I turned away from her:"Don't."  
"I understand. You don't like to be close to me right now."  
"I'll go into my room. I'll be okay Don't worry.", I said while looking into her eyes.  
"Okay. I'm here if you need anything. Just know that."  
"Thanks, mom."

I lied. I lied to her. I'm not okay. i'm defenitevly not okay.  
I want to punish myself so much right now, just for turning down her little cheek stroke and for not telling her everything. I just don't to want to have her deal with it too. Even if that's making me look bad.  
Even if it makes me look like a bad son, but that's just what I am right now.

I went to the bathroom to take a shower.  
The thoughts didn't leave me alone. I had to think about all of the stuff that happened today at school. How Nick looked shocked at me when he saw me snatching my rubberband.  
I exited the shower for a moment to take the hair clip and entered the shower again.  
I carved lines on the side of my rib cage.  
And another one. Another one, and another one.  
It didn't help. It didn't even hurt.  
So I carved more lines on the side of my rip cage. Still, nothing. Just the sensation when I drew the line.  
I wanted to take it a step farther. I took a deep breath and carved a line on the front side of my rib cage.  
Dang. That hurt. But for some reason I did it again and again. Until I couldn't handle the burning sensation anymore.

When I finished, I exited the shower and dried my body, so I could put some disinfectant on a cotton pad and clean the cuts.  
After I finished I went back to my room to write my journal.  
I knew that if I didn't write my journal I couldn't sleep.


End file.
